I had dinner with a friend of mine last night and we found ourselves reminiscing about our past (substandard) relationships. It made me realise that like most worldly materials, feelings are so fickle. They come and go, yet at that moment in time, it feels as though time has stopped and life is crashing down around you.
I found this poem I wrote scribbled down in one of my notebooks;
Why am I crying?
I need to resist the urge to breakdown
Falling apart is no option for me right now
Love is so beautiful,
I am lucky just to feel it, to live it, to be engulfed in it (almost constantly)
Love is not a crime, its not a harmful tool
It’s an awakening emotion
It goes and it comes
Sometimes it lingers forever,
No matter how little the impact.
I never want to stop being able to love,
Fearfully, wholeheartedly, consuming-ly
But I’m learning that love is almost imprisoning,
It flows with little or no boundaries.
I need to assert logical limitations within my heart, within my love.
To some, the idea of feeling this way because of a guy might seem completely absurd, but I am certain that there are a few out there who understand me. That feeling of blaming your capacity to love for the hardships you’ve experienced in your past relationships. Questioning your heart and blaming yourself for ‘liking them too much’ or ‘showing them too much love’.
Contrary to the title, this blog post has nothing to do with boys and everything to do with love.
I went through the former years of my life trying to embrace my loving heart and give love so generously to everyone around me. I was always the girl who was (too) nice, the girl who couldn’t say no, the girl who wanted to do everything to help the people around me. I was this girl for so long that I forgot what it was like to be loved.
Now, by love, I don’t mean spoilt with gifts, infatuated with, lusted over, etc. No, I mean true love, the kind of love that sacrifices, that isn’t selfish, that looks past one’s physical attributes. I mean love that isn’t demanding, a kind of love that doesn’t take from you and only gives. Love that gives constantly, selflessly, overwhelmingly - The 1st Corinthians 13 kind of love.
The idea of love was so badly misconstrued within my thoughts that I replaced love with lust time and time again. The truth, I have come to realise is that is you can’t TRULY love someone without knowing, realising and experiencing that God is love.
I’m writing this post because I want to speak to younger girls, I want them to understand what real love is. God is love and because we are made in his image, the very existence of us exudes love. Do not feel the need to give a part of you to anyone in exchange for what you think is their love.
True love doesn’t require anything of you but yourself.